Do you have a golf problem that’s keeping you awake at night?
Is there some aspect of your game that you simply can’t sort out?
Stop worrying because Dr Felix Shank, a more or less genuine
expert on all aspects of the game, is here to help. Illustrations by Tony Husband.
As a very, very highly ranked pro golfer who
has earned billions of dollars, I naturally attract
a lot of female interest. Being rather weak, I
gave in to temptation and had a great number
of liaisons with various women. My beautiful
blonde wife discovered what I was up to and
obliged me to go to a special clinic to seek
treatment for sex addiction. The treatment was
100% effective and I now no longer desire sex
with other women. However, my wife is now divorcing
me and the women who might have
been interested in me are frustrated because
I’m no longer interested in them. On top of all
that, my game has fallen apart and it seems inevitable
that I’m going to slide down the world
rankings. To coin a phrase, I’m screwed.
NAME AND ADDRESS WITHHELD
By behaving so badly, it would seem that
you have brought this situation upon yourself
and it’s therefore difficult to feel very
sorry for you. However, my job is not to sit
in moral judgement of others but to offer
professional advice. You will be pleased to
learn that the treatment you received for
sex addiction is not irreversible and so you
could return to the clinic you attended and
have them restore your old philandering
self. But then what happens if you meet
someone special and want to get married
again? To avoid history repeating itself, you
would then have to go back to the clinic yet
again and be treated once more for sex addiction.
All of which would oblige you to
spend months away from the course with the
almost inevitable consequence that your
game will suffer and you will slip even further
down the world rankings. What I therefore
suggest you do is re-dedicate yourself to
golf. Regard golf as your lover and channel
your considerable energies into working on
your game and becoming an even better
player. Set yourself fresh goals.When you
have achieved them you will be able to quit
at the top with your self-esteemed restored.
By that time one would hope that your libido
will have subsided sufficiently for you to be
able to have the sex addiction treatment reversed
without unleashing the sexual beast
that you evidently were before.
As a retired Royal Naval officer I have friends in
many parts of the world and only this year was
playing golf in up country Natal with my late
friend ‘Buffy’ van der Merwe. Being somewhat
off with my irons Buffy was dormie two as he
teed off at the long 17th and sliced his drive
deep into thick scrub. My drive, whilst a tad
short was safely on the fairway albeit a long
way left. Buffy and his caddy entered the scrub
and I heard a loud roar and saw the caddie
rushing towards me across the fairway. Buffy
had apparently disturbed a lioness with young
and whilst we found Buffy’s ball, albeit after a
full five minutes had elapsed, we never did find
Buffy. Am I entitled to claim the hole? And what
happens on 18 when I no longer had an opponent
to face? I am sure Buffy would be happy to
settle for a half but I would welcome your guidance
just for the record books.
You should understand that I’m a sports’
psychologist and not a rules’ expert and am
therefore more interested in the mental and
emotional consequences of what must have
been an extremely traumatic episode than I
am in the result of your match. For what it’s
worth, however, I would imagine that the
circumstances you describe constitute, albeit
inadvertently, a sudden death play-off
which Buffy evidently lost. Ergo, you are the
A keen if ageing rugby player, I run my school’s
Old Boys Extra ‘C’ XV. Although without a win
in five seasons, we’re nevertheless enthusiastic
and enjoy each others’ company. As part of our
team-building programme, we go away on a
golf holiday just before the new season starts.
To keep the cost down, we travel on a budget
airline. Unfortunately, the airline we use doesn’t
let you reserve seats and last year quite a few of
our group were upset that we weren’t all able to
sit together. The plan this year was to opt for
‘priority boarding’ but some are baulking at the
extra cost. Do you have any suggestions?
A T JONES, BRIDGEND
This is a remarkably easy problem to solve.
Simply arrange ‘priority boarding’ for your
largest second-row forward. Each of you
should then give him an item to plonk on the
15, or however many of you there are, seats.
Although later boarding passengers might
be upset with this tactic, none of them, I
strongly suspect, will take issue with him.
You will, in effect, secure reserved seats at
the cost of just a few pence each.
Reproduced with kind permission of Golf International Magazine