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Tiger Woods jokes

Apparently, the police asked Tiger's wife how many times she hit him.
She said, "I don't know exactly, but put me down for a 5."

Ping just offered Elin Woods an endorsement contract pushing her own set of drivers.
They are said to be named Elin Woods... "clubs you can beat Tiger with."

If the only person that can beat Tiger is a blonde with big breasts, it's time for Phil Mickelson to bleach his hair.

The Chinese are already making a movie about Tiger Woods' crash.
They are calling it, "Scratching Swede, Lying Tiger," or how about "Crouching Tiger, Hidden Hydrant"?

What's the difference between a car and a golf ball?  
Tiger can drive a ball 400 yards.

What was Elin doing out at 2.30 in the morning? 

Why did Tiger crashed into a fire hydrant and a tree?
He couldn't decide between a wood and an iron.

Why did Phil Mickelson call Elin yesterday?
To pick up some tips on how to beat Tiger.

What is the penalty for getting it in the wrong hole?
Ask Tiger, he knows.

Tiger drives very well on the fairway but doesn't fare very well on the driveway.

Whats the difference between a golf ball and a car?
Tiger can drive a golf ball.

What do you buy a Tiger for Christmas?
A new windshield!

Nike wants to drop their endorsement due to accuracy problems.
Apparently, Tiger's spraying his balls everywhere.

Why was Tiger's wife mad at him?
She heard that he played a-round in Australia.

Q. What do Tiger and Elin have in common?
A. They both try to club his balls are hard as possible.

What will the headline be if they prove it is domestic violence?
Tiger's wife makes the cut!

Given Tiger's racial heritage can we call this a Black Thai affair?

Tiger just changed his nickname but still kept it in the cat family. Cheetah.

Elin Woods has a twin sister named Josephine. Know how to tell them apart?  
Elin is the one holding the bent 5 iron.

What do Tiger and the Beatles have in common?
They both experienced a hit with Norwegian Wood.

First words spoken to the paramedics by Tiger? 
Who are you? And what are all these trees doing in my living room?

Did you hear Nike has changed their motto since the Tiger Woods scandal? What's the  new motto?
Just do me.

Tiger Wood's shirt is all red- problem is, there's no tournament, and his veins are a pint low.

His wife Elin told police that she went for a rescue wood, but it looks like she really went for the driver.

What does Tiger have in common with a baby seal?
They've both been clubbed by a Norwegian.

Tiger is now in trouble with his sponsor Gillette because he said that "this was the closest shave I have had yet."

Tiger uses clubs to hit golf balls while his wife uses clubs to hit tigers balls.

Tiger's other women aren't mistresses.
They're provisionals.

What's black and white and red all over?
Tiger Woods at 2.30 in the morning

What crossed Elin's mind as she stood there with a golf club in her hand as she heard Tiger Woods' excuses?
"Just do it..."

What kind of club did Elin swing at Tiger?
Looks like it was a bitching wedge.

Tiger Woods drove an Escalade into a tree.
Pro golfers generally treat caddies better than that.

Did you make it out of your own driveway safely this morning?
Then you can say that you outdrove Tiger Woods.

Did you hear about Tiger's last outing? He drove into a tree, then ended up with a bad lie.

Tiger always gives 110 percent.
That is why he gave 100 percent to his wife and still had 10 percent left over for his alleged mistress.


December 26, 2009

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