Golf is a funny game. It's done much for health, and at the same time has ruined people by robbing them of their peace of mind. Look at me, I'm the healthiest idiot in the world.
Arnold Palmer is the biggest crowd pleaser since the invention of the portable sanitary facility.
Whenever I play with him (President Ford), I usually try to make it a foursome - the President, myself, a paramedic and a faith healer.
You've got to be rich to have a swing like that.
It was a great honour to be inducted into the Hall of Fame. I didn't know they had a caddie division.
He hits the ball 130 yards and his jewelry goes 150.
If you watch a game, it's fun. If you play it, it's recreation. If you work at it, it's golf.
I'll shoot my age if I have to live to be 105.
If I'm on the course and lightning starts, I get inside fast. If God wants to play through, let him.
[President] Gerry Ford is easy to spot on the course. He drives the cart with the red cross painted on top.
Drugs are very much a part of professional sports today, but when you think about it, golf is the only sport where the players aren't penalized for being on grass.
Golf is a hard game to figure. One day you will go out and slice it and shank it, hit into all the traps and miss every green. The next day you go out and, for no reason at all, you really stink.
Vice President Spiro Agnew can not cheat on his score : because all you have to do is look back down the fairway and count the wounded.
I like to play in the low 70s. If it gets any hotter than that I'll stay in the bar!
My old friend Jack Benny has only had one ball all his golfing life. And now he's lost it. The string came off!
Bing Crosby and I play a lot of golf together and I have a small course at my place where we often play for side stakes. The only troulbe is that when I win, I always have to engage and attorney before I can draw the money.
Golf is a game that needlessly prolongs the lives of some of our most useless citizens.
President Eisenhower has given up golf for painting. It takes fewer strokes.
Titleist has offered me a big contract not to play its balls.
Jimmy Stewart could have been a good golfer, but he speaks so slowly that by the time he yells 'Fore!' the guy he's hit is already in an ambulance on the way to the hospital.
On one hole, I hit an alligator so hard, he's now my golf bag.
If he (President Eisenhower) slices the budget like he slices a golf ball, the nation has nothing to worry about.
Pebble Beach is Alcatraz with grass.
It's not hard to find [President] Gerry Ford on a golf course - you just follow the wounded.
We're on our way to the Persian Gulf. Wait! It's a mistake! I thought they said Persian Golf.
The last time I played golf with President Ford he hit a birdie. And an eagle, a moose, an elk, an aardvark...
We have 51 golf courses in Palm Springs. He [President Ford] never decides which course he will play until after the first tee shot.
I tell jokes to pay my green fees.
Bob Hope has a beautiful short game. Unfortunately, it's off the tee.
My golf-loving friend Bob Hope asked me what my handicap was, so I told him - the Congress.