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Politicians and Royalty In golf, you keep your head down and follow through. In the vice presidency, you keep your head up and follow through. It's a big difference. Golf is a game whose aim is to hit a very small ball into a even smaller hole, with weapons singularly ill-designed for the purpose. Golf is a game kings and presidents play when they get tired of running countries. Golf always makes me so damned angry. If I swung the gavel the way I swung that golf club, the nation would be in a helluva mess. It's amazing how many people beat you at golf now that you're no longer president. The best thing about Eisenhower's Presidency was his Jeffersonian conviction that there should be as little government and as much golf as possible. Some of us worship in churches, some in synagogues, some on golf courses. It is true that my predecessor did not object, as I do, to pictures of one's golf skill in action. But neither, on the other hand, did he ever bean a Secret Serviceman. I would like to deny all allegations by Bob Hope that during my last game of golf, I hit an eagle, a birdie, an elk and a moose. My golf-loving friend Bob Hope asked me what my handicap was, so I told him - the Congress. Mr. Agnew, I believe you have a slight swing in your flaw. When I look on my life and try to decide out of what I have got most actual pleasure, I have no doubt at all saying that I have got more out of golf than anything else. It does look like a very good exercise. But what is the little white ball for? Men trifle with their business and their politics but never trifle with their games. It brings truth home to them. They cannot pretend they have won when they have lost nor that they had a magnificent drive when they foozled it. The Englishman is at his best on the links and at his worst in the Cabinet. While, on the whole, playing through the green is the part most trying to the temper, putting is that most trying to the nerves. There is always the hope that a bad drive may be redeemed by a fine approach shot, or that a 'foozle' with the brassy may be balanced by some brilliant performance with the iron. But when the stage of putting-out has been reached no further illusions are possible. Playing the game I have learned the meaning of humility. It has given me an understanding of the futility of human effort. In 1587 golf's first famous woman player [Mary Queen of Scots] was convicted and beheaded. Women's golf went into something of a decline after that. With a fine sea view and a clear course in front of him, the golfer may be excused if he regards golf, even though it be indifferent golf, as the true and adequate end of man's existence. Golf is the only game where the worst player gets the best of it. He obtains more out of it as regards both exercise and enjoyment, for the good player gets worried over the slightest mistake, whereas the poor player makes too many mistakes to worry about them. The great thing about this game is that the bad days are wonderful. The difference between golf and government is that in golf you can't improve your lie. Dan would rather play golf than have sex any day. You get to know more of the character of a man in a round of golf than in six months of political experience. Golf is to me what his Sabine farm was to the poet Horace - a solace and an inspiration. Golf in the interest of good health and good manners. It promotes self-restraint and affords a chance to play the man and act the gentleman. Golf seems to me an arduous way to go for a walk. I prefer to take the dogs out. Golf has so many virtues; it is not too strenuous; it is healthy; it can be played, anyhow in our climate, practically the whole year round. It has so many advantages over all other games that it must endure and prosper. I know I'm getting better at golf because I'm hitting fewer spectators. Either that, or fewer people are watching me play. One lesson you better learn if you want to be in politics is that you never go out and beat the President. If I had my way, any man guilty of golf would be ineligible for any office of trust in the United States. I am quite certain that there has never been a greater addition to the lighter side of civilisation than that supplied by the game of golf. I did not see the sense in chasing a little white ball around a field. I was playing once with the King of Samoa. I asked him what his handicap was. "Six wives," he said. As General Eisenhower discovered, it is easier to end the Cold War or stamp out poverty than to master this devilish pastime. I like going there for golf. America is one vast golf course today. Playing golf is like chasing a quinine pill around a cow pasture.
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